This image marks the beginning of a new life and reminds me of just how far we have come as a family. I never thought in a million years that I would find myself divorced with three little ones to care for on my own. But such was the position I was in. We are all smiling in this picture, and indeed it was a happy moment. But there were so many other moments at that stage in our lives where smiling wasn’t necessarily the natural response. Most of the time I smiled because I had to, for them. In fact, everything I did became about them.
Moving in with my parents was for them. Moving out of my parents home and two hours away was for them. Going back to school to finish my degree at BYU was for them. Getting up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to fit in an hour to myself was for them. Majoring in Family Life and later dropping my beloved Near Eastern Studies minor because it required too many research hours was for them. And eventually dating again, at least initially was definitely for them!
Let’s just say I was less than eager to enter the dating scene. In fact, I would have much preferred that my trusted family and friends would just arrange my dates for me, after having sufficiently vetted each candidate before introducing them to me. But that was not reality. Instead I was forced to trust my instincts, something I was not completely confident in doing given the outcome of my previous attempt! However, I soon found that as I used what I learned from my first marriage experience and relied on the Lord to guide me through the dating process, those red flags in potential dating partners for which I was so afraid to miss a second time became glaringly obvious to me.
What came less naturally to me though was identifying not the red flags, but the green lights. What would positive characteristics look like? What signs should I look for that this is a good person who will treat me like an equal and remain faithful? So rather than merely searching for the negative qualities in the men I dated, I tried to really look for the qualities I wanted in a possible future husband.
In my post 5 Rules for Dating with Kids I talk about how to navigate the dating life when you are plus one, or two, or three, etc. For this post I will share five green light qualities about my husband that I discovered while we were dating. (And when I say green light qualities, I am not talking about the fantastical items we might find on a “my future husband” list we unearth from a highschool memory box such as “world class cellist with a swoony voice,” and “owns a second home in Hawaii,” and “brings me roses every week.” I am talking about characteristics of the heart.)
#1. He was real. There was no affectation about him. I will never forget the feeling I had during our first date. Because of our schedules that day, we elected to meet for lunch rather than him picking me up. As I was the first to arrive and he was a few minutes late, when he walked in the entrance I stood to approached him to say hello. For some reason, it felt completely natural to give him a hug. As we embraced, I remember feeling as though I was meeting an old friend and I knew that this date was going to be a good one. And it was. Our conversation over lunch was open and unguarded without monopolization of the discussion on either end. He was sincerely interested in learning about me as a person. He listened with his eyes and responded with tempered expression; nothing about his communication was forced or self-adulating. He was authentic and real. And after two years of dating he was no different.
#2. He treated everyone the same. There was nothing duplicitous about his nature at all. He spoke to his superiors with the same tone of voice and sincerity as the people he served over. He spoke gently to his parents and talked to them regularly on the phone. He was kind to restaurant servers, he talked candidly with cashiers and gas station attendants as if they were personal friends, and he ALWAYS spoke to me respectfully. He never put me down and never minimized or ignored my opinion.
#3. He was careful with money. This made me feel safe. He had a great job and was very successful but he wasn’t a big spender. He was frugal and practical, yet thoughtful and generous with others. He didn’t have debts and he saved and planned for the future. He owned the home he lived in with roommates and took good care of it. He loved using his money for good and contributed a monthly tithe to our church. He credited his financial success to God and was a good steward over what he had been blessed with.
#4. He loved God more than me. This one may sound entirely unromantic to some, but for me it was significant. In fact, this was the number one characteristic I wanted to find in a husband. Because marriage is difficult! I knew there would be times when he would not be happy with me, or I with him. That’s just how it goes when you merge two lives, two personalities, two histories together. But as long as you both love God the most, then the covenants you make with each other and with God at the time you are married will not be broken. Seth showed his love for God in his daily practices and habits as well as his service in our church. He prayed morning and night and over each meal, even when we were eating out. He read from and studied the scriptures every day. He attended church weekly without exception and the temple regularly. He and I often worshiped in the temple together. He held a significant leadership position in his congregation and spent considerable time devoted to that calling. He was an ordained Elder in our church and performed his duties honorably. Most importantly, he tried to follow the example of Jesus Christ. He was humble and kind, strong and stalwart. His love for God was evident.
#5. He was dating me! This man, who could be dating any woman he wanted to, chose to be with me. I had three children. He had never been married. He didn’t even know how to interact with kids. He had always imagined finding a nice girl and starting a family together the way most people do. But he was willing to give up that dream, to give up his inhibitions of being a dad right away, and unselfishly take on the responsibility of partnering with me in raising a family together. To me, that held tremendous weight. Not many men would be willing to do it.
Seth and I dated for over two years before we got engaged. It was a period of life filled with the sublime and the heart wrenching. We broke up three different times, never because of unhappiness, but because growth was needed. Even with all the amazing qualities I found in him, we needed time in order to arrive at our desired outcome. I didn’t see it at the time, but after finally marrying I knew there was divine wisdom in it all. Because when I would experience the unpleasant and sometimes painful triggers that often arise with betrayal trauma, my knowing who this man was without a doubt was critical. I could always remind myself that this man, my husband, was everything I knew he was from the beginning. Time allowed me to trust in that.
As I type this it is our seventh wedding anniversary, marking over nine years together. In many ways it feels as though we’ve been married for 17 years, but not in a bad way. It is as though our lives have always been this way. Together. Perhaps that is what all successful marriages feel like, as though time becomes irrelevant and only love is the measurement of eternal things.
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