This is the face of a girl smitten.
I fell asleep pinching myself most nights because I couldn’t believe he was interested in me. He was much too handsome, a consummate gentleman, and seemed to be so completely… normal.
Was I missing something?
Perhaps he was a little smitten too.
Despite my hesitancy to believe that someone like him could find me worthy of his time and attention, I knew that the butterflies and heart palpitations of the previous few months, and the fact that he was still around, indicated a great need for a clearer vision of things as they really were.
So, as much as I would have loved to stay within the lofty bliss of romantic blindness, I prayed that this good, sweet man would begin to see things a bit more terrestrially.
I knew that as soon as he did there was a chance I would lose him. A big chance.
Because this woman Seth was dating was no ordinary woman. I was, in fact, a woman + three.
Dating with kids is a whole different ball game. Actually, the last thing I would refer to it as would be a game. Nonetheless, there are still rules. Rules that helped me personally navigate the inherently complicated world of courtship with kiddos. I am sure that such dating rules are as varied as are the participants involved, but I will share the five that were the most important for me.
#1. Break it to them within the first contact. The fact that you have children should be brought up in the first conversation you have with a potential date. Not on the first date. During the first conversation. Whether that takes place online, on the phone, or in person. Your first priority right now is your children. Be real. Don’t waste their or your time entertaining a pre-kid, “normal” dating life fantasy.
I became rather deft at this when I went back to school at BYU as a single mom. One would think that having to stave off the male population would not have been an issue for one who graduated from high school in a different decade than the majority demographic on campus. Not so, I discovered. Incidentally, I also uncovered the key to having a quiet lunch break to study!
“Hi, I’m ____. Can I sit?”
“Sure.”
“So, what are you studying?”
“Family Life, actually. I’m a single mom of three kids so that is the major I thought would benefit us the most.” (or something like that)
Within 2 minutes they’d be gone. Every time. It was golden.
#2. Your kids come first.
Until you have a spouse, your children come first. Period. If you are in a custody schedule situation, be with your kids on your weekend. Dates should be scheduled around your children’s events and obligations. There should be few exceptions to this. As you begin a new chapter in your life, don’t forget that your kids are experiencing all of it with you. It can be difficult for them to see you suddenly splitting your attention between them and a new social life. Don’t ever make them feel as though your love for them is diminished by being absent when you should be with them.
#3. Introduce and talk about your many friends to your children regularly.
When I first started dating as a single mom, one of my greatest worries was that my boys would become attached to a particular person and then be hurt or disappointed if things didn’t work out. This trepidation was alleviated when I found that because I had a handful of good friends in my life at a time, both men and women, they didn’t actually recognize any of the men I dated as a romantic prospect (until Seth entered the scene). They viewed everyone as a buddy!
As you enter the singles arena, you will likely be introduced to many new friends, both men and women. Allow your friends to be around your kids, as friends. Your children have friends, and it is natural for you to also have friends. Just as your children are allowed to bring their friends to the house and on an occasional outing, it is okay for them to interact with your friends on a casual basis as well. And if they are exposed to a variety of new people in their life, they will be less affected if one or two of those individuals are no longer “coming around anymore.”
#4. No physical affection in front of your children until there is a firm commitment in place.
This is related to the above rule with keeping interactions casual and friendly. Remember that many children of divorce struggle with feelings of abandonment and rejection. Young children especially tend to become emotionally invested in an outcome they wish to see occur. If a person they have attached a desired outcome with is suddenly out of the picture, this can bring back similar emotions to those that surfaced during the divorce. Children are very aware of romantic cues that may indicate a relationship. It is best to avoid such awareness until there is more certainty of permanence.
#5. Provide opportunities for bonding proportionate to the progression of the relationship AND according to the inspiration you receive.
At some point, when you find the right person, you will begin to feel that the time is right to lift the protective barriers that you have placed around your children. You will want your children to get to know this person and develop proper feelings of bonding until it eventually becomes real, actual love. This process is so much more nuanced than could possibly be directed in a blog post. Every relationship is unique and only you and the Lord can know what is best for your children.
Not long after I began to pray for Seth to have a clearer understanding of what it meant to be dating me, we decided it was time for him to meet my three boys. And for some super clever reason I’ll never quite be able to explain, I thought it would be a good idea to take them bowling for our inaugural bonding activity.
Okay. So here’s the deal. My boys at the time were ages 7, 4, and almost 2. Usually, #1 and #3 were wonderfully polite little men. #2, not so much. Poor buddy battled daily with a fierce case of pre-diagnosed ADHD. I had become pretty good at taking preventative measures to avoid disruptive outbursts and managing them when they did occur, so what could really go terribly wrong with a little fun at the bowling ally?
Let’s just say, things did not go as planned. The over-stimulation of flashing lights and the cacophonous noise of pins banging, loud patrons, and blaring music was too much for #2. His melt down was prompt and furious. Despite my many efforts to calm him and assuage his angst in that moment, he never quite did recover. And as if that wasn’t enough to sour the evening, my typically delightful toddler was uncharacteristically and vociferously whiny the entire time, frustrated that the big heavy ball wouldn’t roll the way he wanted it to.
All the while, Seth was in a nervous, novitiate stupor. Powerless, helpless, and completely shocked at how loud a tiny human could actually be.
Needless to say, our little adventure ended early.
After we arrived back at my house and I began to put kids to bed, Seth told me he was just going to grab a drink and would be back in a few minutes.
All I could think was, “Ha. Yeah, right. He’s fleeing! As far away as possible. And I don’t blame him! Who on earth would volunteer for this? Run, my beautiful boy. Run.”
But he did come back. I couldn’t believe it.
However, this event did promulgate a two year wrestle within Seth over not only his readiness to become an instant dad, but also his willingness. Because we’re not talking about a Nicholas Sparks movie here. This is real life. Real experiences with difficult moments of doubt and uncertainty. We broke up three separate times, never because we didn’t love each other or had interest in pursuing other people. Each separation was essential to the process of falling in love with the life ahead. This life was very different than the life either of us had envisioned as we embarked on our journey as adults. And yet here we found ourselves, on the cusp of something truly life altering. It required refinement, realignment, and a whole lot of faith.
During those two years, rule number five became my standard for judging how much to allow my children to interact with Seth. And by the time of our engagement, these sweet children were overjoyed to be getting Seth as a dad.
When I first became single again, dating was the last thing I wanted to be doing. But once I felt as though it was right for me to begin that process I felt it was important to be conscious and careful about how I proceeded. Because this was different than any life voyage I had ever before navigated. This time, I had precious cargo. Sweet, innocent children that counted on me to do it right.
I’m so glad I did.
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