A few days ago my oldest child had a dental exam after school. Let me repeat that. My oldest child had a dental exam after school.
For anyone unfamiliar with the implications of that statement let me provide a pictorial representation of what afternoons are like at our house after school:
So when I am forced to schedule a pesky dental appointment during this time, it’s slightly irritating.
However, we do the best we can when it comes to appeasing teachers and the dentist, both of whom care very little about the frenetic tempo of my little life as a mom and whether or not my family gets a decent dinner on a Wednesday night.
One of the advantages of having a teenager (i.e. a constant reminder that I am not getting any younger and that the newly emerging lines in my skin will not be going away, no matter how effective that $32 cream purports to be) is that when he does not have other obligations (it is currently the off season for his sport…for a few more weeks at least) he can watch little brothers while I drive other kids to practices, lessons, etc., or run to the grocery store for forgotten items, or he can simply hold down the fort for two minutes so that I can use the bathroom without an audience. It is quite nice, something I consider a luxury, a life saver at times, even. On this particular occasion, as my built-in-babysitter was the one needing to be chauffeured, I brought my babies along, leaving my two middle children at home with a list of assignments to be completed during my 90 minute absence. And it had to be exactly 90 minutes because one minute later than that would mean my footballer would be late for practice, resulting in a forfeiture of his chance to play starting tight end for his game on Saturday.
The dental office is 25 minutes from our home. This meant I was required to stick around. Awesome. But rather than sitting around in a sterile scented waiting room during my precious afternoon hours, I decided to use up those rare extra minutes a little more judiciously by going to the nearby Rock Canyon Park and letting Emery play while Spencer continued his nap. It was a gorgeous day and I thought it would be lovely to sit and enjoy it for a while. And maybe read something! It was kind of a funny feeling there for a few minutes as I pulled up to the parking lot, having a full 40 minutes of “free time”. That sounds rather pathetic framed in that way, but life has been so completely busy lately and my days so tightly packed that even my snuggle reading and playing time with Emery must be scheduled in. And since I don’t anticipate a slowing down of this pace for a good seven to ten years, to have this sort of superfluous space of time in the middle of the day was just a little bit surreal. I got the boys out, grabbed my sunglasses, keys, and phone and found a perfect shady spot between a small grove of scrub oak and a play set. Emery didn’t need any prompting with his play, but what would I do with this little nugget of time? I had already done my scripture study, I had already listened to several good talks…what should I read? The Drudge Report? A blog? No, too indulgent. Should I catch up on emails and Facebook messages? Should I start to look for Halloween class party ideas? Should I call my mother? I absolutely hate seeing time go to waste and have become especially good lately at using my time efficiently. This was a critical decision! As I followed my little guy around the play yard, and then over to the grove of trees, I tried to think of the best possible choice. It was then that I spotted her.
On the other side of the copse of scrub oak, a girl who looked to be no more than 19 was lying on her back basking in the soft sunlight. Based on her attire, she had apparently just finished a jog. I couldn’t see her face, but I imagine she was darling. At least her running outfit was cute and she appeared to be in perfect shape. My initial thoughts at seeing her lying there in her reverie, so calm and restful, whilst I, the older woman in the scene, was grasping at this trickle of time that had just serendipitously fallen my way, were…”Well that’s nice,” and…
sort of this:
But after that brief feeling of envy passed, my mind went back to that very time of life for me, too many year ago than I would like to admit to. I remembered for just a moment what it used to be like to have the luxury of arranging my time however I wished without being responsible for a single human being other than myself.
I used to lay out in the sun and listen to U2 and the Cranberries and Alanis Morissette. I used to go on extra long runs by myself in the middle of the day, just for a little thinking time. I used to practice my violin for hours a day, then sit at our grand piano in the twilight hours of summer and play Chopin to relax my mind. I used to read novels.
But now…
This is what I do.
And this.
And this.
When I was nineteen, I had absolutely no clue what was in store for my life. I thought then that I was happy. I thought then that I knew what love and joy and fulfillment felt like.
I had no idea.
All these years later I am indeed terrifically busy with caring for all the many people, and things, and life that I am responsible for. And time for myself has dwindled dramatically.
But that is exactly why I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and why I would never trade the joyful chaos that is motherhood for all the youth and tight skin and free time in the world.
I was so glad I caught a glimpse of that girl through the trees. Because instead of reading something in those ancillary minutes, I loved on my little boy.
In a few minutes, this moment would be over and I would be back to the rush of things. More diapers, more driving, more dinner preparations. And who knows what my ten and seven year old boys would be up to when I walked in the door!
But for now, this was my focus. All my joy was encapsulated in this very ephemeral moment in time.
And it was perfect.
