One of the things I love about raising children is watching them handle new and different situations. I never quite know how they will respond to challenging and uncomfortable things. Sometimes, I confess, I shudder in their embarrassment with them. Other times I giggle to myself at the adorable awkwardness. In every case, the entertainment value is priceless. I have been dying to share one such event that is long over due in its report.
So last year was Talmage’s first year in Junior High. Based on his regular reports throughout the year, he did swimmingly well. With the combination of his unassuming charm and a wardrobe of dark wash denim jeans and trendy plaid shirts with rolled up sleeves, he established himself as a stealthy navigator of the social scene and definitely not awkward. We heard about the “other” kids who did supposedly fit that description, but Talmage was definitely not one of them. Imagine our delight when in the spring we learned we would have a chance to observe this “social success” in action at an end of the year Ballroom Dance showcase of sorts, parents invited. Per-fect:).
Oh my, it did not disappoint.
I could not contain my giggling.
It was the cutest display of awkwardness I think I have ever been privileged to witness.
However, as I sat back and enjoyed the scene before me, something else began to come to mind. Something a little less amusing than a gym full of pre-to-moderately pubescent thirteen-year-olds uncomfortably asking one another to dance. As I combed through the pictures a few days later, these sobering thoughts became even more prominent and I have been anxious to express them ever since.
Look at the faces of these girls.
Look at the light.
Look at their vulnerability, their hope.
Look at how utterly darling.
Do they know how precious they are?
I have a friend who just had her 5th girl a few days before I had my 5th boy. (She also has two boys, by the way. Some people are just amazing like that.) Every time she pulls that little girl out of her carrier at church, I swear there is a pouf of pink, glittery, sparkle dust that billows up around her. It’s like a thousand tiny fairies have taken up residence in the aura of this miniature princess. And it makes my heart flutter. Let me be clear. I love and adore my boys. I wouldn’t trade any one of them for the most perfect girl in the world. However, I always, always wanted to have a daughter. And not just because I have a deep longing for sparkle and satin and puffy pinkness in my life. But one of the biggest reasons I have always wanted a girl was so that I could have a re-do of sorts.
You see, I don’t exactly look back on my girlhood with pride and satisfaction. When I look at pictures of myself from between the ages of about ten and up, I remember a girl who very often felt inadequate, incapable, unlovely, and unsure. There were many different reasons for this that I won’t expound upon right now, but included in these was the tentacled reach of a pervasive and inescapable expectation of beauty encouraged by a media driven society. Yes, it was bad then just as it is now. I so frequently wish I could have understood my worth and value in a more truthful light. Instead, rather than being the light and influence for good that I could have been with a better comprehension of my intrinsic value, I spent so much of my time in years to come combating the bombardment of lies and deceptions that had permeated my psyche for so long.
Over the years as I have discovered the truth about my worth as a woman, I have thought considerably about what I would teach my own daughter, if I was ever so blessed. I wanted so badly to raise a daughter who has confidence and belief in herself and knows from Whom her value comes. I wanted to teach just one girl that so little of our beauty comes from our physical traits and so much more from the way we treat the people around us. Real beauty is kindness. It is thoughtfulness and selflessness. It is intelligence and humor and graciousness. Beauty is a feeling more than a face, a consciousness more than an exhibition.
How I wished I had a daughter to whom I could teach these truths, that she could be so much more of a force for good than I ever was.
I came to a realization a little while ago that helped change my perspective from wishing for something that wasn’t going to be to actually doing something with similar impact. It occurred to me during a late night conversation with my oldest child over his use of the word “hot” in a text directed to a girl he likes, that though I don’t have a daughter, I do have a lot of sons. Boys who will one day be men! These boys will have tremendous influence on every girl they come across. I have to make absolutely certain that they understand the worth and value of each and every girl they meet. And so, after discovering the offending text, I spent a little extra time saying good night to Talmage that evening.
We discussed at length the reason that, until he is basically married, I did not want him to use the word “hot” to compliment a girl. Ever. I explained my disdain for that particular descriptor by painting a picture for him of what young girls have to face every single day regarding societal pressure to look a certain way. After taking some time to describe what it is like for girls, it was clear that to him everything I had just said was completely absurd. He just couldn’t understand it. Why would a girl think she has to look a certain way to be worth something? That’s silly! Well, yes, it is. It is also very real, and perpetuated significantly, however innocently, by the way boys look at, talk to, and think about girls. Talmage had no idea his little flirtation was contributing so heavily to his crush’s sense of self-worth. And honestly, it probably was fairly harmless, in its singularity. But think for a moment what that “compliment” was really communicating. This young girl was finally getting some attention from the cute guy in Spanish class, and it revolved around the way she looked. More specifically, she just received validation that her efforts to conform to the world’s standard of beauty that day just paid off. “See,” her subconscious affirms, “when I wear certain things and do my hair a certain way and put make up on my face (even though I’m still twelve years old) I get attention from the boys I want attention from.” Combine Talmage’s unseasoned attempt at saying “I think you’re cute and I kind of like you” in a way the world has educated him to do, with all the rest of the messages that girl has had thrown at her in just one day’s time, and suddenly “you’re hot” becomes a much more destructive one liner.
Poor Talmage. He had no idea one little text could elicit such an impassioned “good night” talk from his mother. But, it was a good conversation, an important one, so I didn’t feel too mean. Also, Talmage is of the age right now when it is fascinating to talk about girls, even if in a quasi-reprimanding form. So I spent a little more time encouraging him to compliment other attractive qualities about girls. We talked about what it is that really makes him start to like a girl. He was open with me and confirmed what I already knew. Sure, it helps when he thinks a girl is pretty. But, he doesn’t care about a made up face and fancy hair. In fact, girls with lots of make-up on are slightly frightening. We came up with alternative “one liners” he could use instead of “you’re hot”:
“You’re eyes look really pretty with that shirt.”
“Wow, you gave a really smart answer.”
“I noticed the other day that you sat by the new girl at lunch. That was really nice of you.”
“You’re fun to be around.”
Okay, so maybe these are a little contrived, perhaps a tiny bit cheesy. But imagine the impact this would have on girls today if these were the kind of compliments, given sincerely, they were receiving. I know I would have been a completely different person!
As alluded to, in the process of this conversation I realized that even though I don’t have my own daughters, if I teach my boys correctly, they can be a wonderful influence for good in the lives of these precious daughters of God! Because here’s the thing. As much as we’d like to hope that girls should not gain their sense of worth from the boys around them and that boys should not depend on the attire and attitudes of their female counterparts to control their hormonal instincts–this is not reality. The fact of the matter is what a girl wears does contribute to even the most disciplined adolescent boy’s thoughts. And, the careless remarks from a boy does impact even the most confident young woman’s self worth. Yes, each individual must be accountable for and in control of their own actions and thoughts. But we are fooling ourselves if we think that one side does not influence the other. The happy thing about this verity is that there is power in this sort of influence. Instead of eschewing it, I feel a great sense of obligation to teach my boys how to make a positive difference for the girls around them.
Because look at them.
They are beautiful.
And they need to know it.
Wow, Julie! This is just such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing it. I am actually going to have my older children read it. When I talk to them about things, it literally goes through one ear and out the other. It’s nice when others share truths too! Thank you so much! And by the way, I never considered you to be awkward or a low self esteem type teenager. You were one of my most beautiful friends that I had. Yes, you were beautiful looks wise and ALL of the Oroville guys thoroughly enjoyed looking at the pictures I had of you. Maybe it was because you were “hot”? But I don’t think that was really it. You had integrity, you were kind, you were fun to be around, you weren’t snooty and you were humble and not so caught up in YOU, like so many teenagers are. You were different than most girls I knew. You emulated the light of Christ. And that’s why I liked you and wanted to hang out with you every time I came to Cache Valley for a visit. I will always cherish those times! Thank you for always being such a great example!
What a kind thing to say, Brittney! I cherish those time as well and can say the exact same thing about you:). I think I was probably no less influenced by a worldly expectation than most girls, even if only privately, which is why it is such an important issue. One that needs to be discussed openly with our children. I admire YOU so much! You are doing so much good raising those many kids of yours;). They are so blessed to have you.
Wonderfully expressed, JA. The war *for* women is fought by men and women alike. It’s true, your sons will have tremendous influence on many women in the world.
PS I loved the ballroom dance pictures! I was just grinning!
Thanks Jen:). And I know, aren’t those pictures so perfect? Of course, the girls are super cute. But isn’t Talmage just adorable?? It was a fun event:).